All I need is a bitter song

I feel bad today. Yup, that's right. Aside from that fact that I am DM today meaning I had to get up at 5 am. And be at the office at 7 am (well, actually, I was already in the office by 6:25). I have this terrible backache because of *I think* a wrong move that I made this morning. And oh, to enhance the mood... I'm listening to "All by mself" by Celine Dion. (That's soo cheesy...) But well, yeah I do feel bad.

Not that I feel alone in this world. Well, I've got a lot of friends around me. I know that there'll always be someone I can talk to no matter how busy we can get.

But then it's still different. The comfort that you get from a friend is different from the comfort that you can get from let's say your parents or your boyfriend.

As always, my parents and I are still not A-okay. We're okay. I'm trying to avoid the little bickerings that they hear. Sometimes when it's really bad, I literally bite my lip to keep me from saying something stupid or from answering back. But yeah, sometimes, well, most of the times, I can't take it anymore. It's just getting too much to handle.

There are options that I consider to solve this problem:1.) I can try to move out of my role into ADSI and hope that I get to be assigned to a project that would require me to temporarily stay abroad so that I can avoid my mom's menopause stage and the same thing that my dad is undergoing.2.) I can just apply for another job or another company that would require me to go abroad. But more often that not, if I take this option, this might be permanent already.3.) I can just succumb to what they want ALL the time.

First of all, I really want to go into ADSI. MOST of my friends are in ADSI, why wouldn't I be happy there? They were able to hack it there. Why would I not be able to, right? But the thing is, I'm also happy here. I don't want to compare how I was in AMG and how I will be in ADSI if ever. But that is definitely an option. I want to see the world. To live the world. To breathe the world.

Trave was never a very important part of my life before but now when my mind is slowly opening to it, I kind of like the idea of travel but as always, it would be be better if I was with someone.

Secondly, I don't want to apply to another company. I'm happy with HP. I'm comfortable already. Well, maybe not as comfortable as I was in YEHEY! cause I'm always on the go now. Always on my toes. Always up and about and continuously thinking about work. I don't know... I can't determine if that's good or what. Probably, it has it's good points and bad points.

Good Point: I won't get dumb because I'm constantly thinking about things.

Bad Point: I get really tired since even if I'm not physically doing anything it seems that I'm still working cause my mind is working double time, triple time, you name it...

Also, if I do apply for a job abroad that would be something for good already thus, I'd want to be with someone. As cheesy as it sounds, of course, I'd want Bert to be there wih me.

Thirdly, I don't want to succomb to everything that they want. That would be too taxing on me.

I'm also sad because I think I don't make Bert happy anymore. I know that because of the situation with my parents, I haven't really been focusing on our relationship. Actually, its more of, they really dont want me to make this relationship my focus. Heck, if I had a different set of parents, I'm sure this relationship would be the center of my world. Knowing me, I know what I can do. What I know I should do is an entirely different thing.

I also feel bad knowing that he's not THAT happy as I thought he was at work. It all slapped me in the face that yeah, I did help him to get here and encouraged him to get here but then maybe I shouldn't have done that. Maybe I should have just let him be but I was too pressured that time. That was one of the worst times in my life. That I have to admit. I hated those days. I hated the fact that my parents were putting him down when I know he didn't deserve any of those.

I guess I just hope that he would be able to find something that he wants to do. If he's not truly happy here.

I get it also about the weekend things. And I'm sorry that it seems that I dont prioritize him that much. I guess i'm just not showy about the things that I do for us. Or the things that I do to make us stay together or the sacrifices that I make. Maybe, I don't do much on my end as well but I'm trying my best to prioritize him. I guess it's just not enough. Or maybe, just maybe, I don't know what a relationship really entails.